Today's class ...

And so its another day of me giving another lecture on funny one-liners and how to create your next dooms day device.

Not.

It’s not coincidental that I am feeling all weak and low and morbid.

The first month of the year is almost gone and I am still here looking at the things that I said I would be doing last year.

It’s becoming a religion of some kind.
Things just aren’t what it should be.
There is just no respect for the orders these days.

So me and my list of things to do is starting its annual staring contest.
Money is on the one party who does not have a penis.

For all the good that good intentions do, it does not help the fact that my list is not getting done.

And it’s killing my morale faster than I can say, "Mary had a little lamb"

See? I am not making sense and yet to my inner child, everything seems to be crystal clear.
I feel like I am making sense.

Oxymorons make more sense than me right now.

Must be the constant banging my head on incoming locomotives.
Its might be starting to meld my dumbass brain into something more useful.
Like for instance, finding a job that will pay me a lot of money to do useless things.

The m&m's in life ...

There have been many articles about the subject of fear.
Its one of the most primal conditions that is ingrained into our DNA to identify.
There is a fundamental SOP that is coded right inside of our gene, next to the subroutine where we know that we should eat when our body is hungry.
So what is the basic reaction to fear?
Run.

Yes that’s right, our basic instinct (or as I like to term it as our Standard Operating Procedure) is to run from which we deem as a threat to our life and existence.
Mortals are fragile.
We die easily.
Anything from a T-Rex to a mosquito can kill us.
Death is basically the only thing other than sex that plays heavily within our normal decision making algorithm.
Our fear for death is so ingrained within our mind that the term "run for life" is anything but a slogan on the bumper sticker.

So what is this particular posting about then?
We all know fear.
Yes, we know fear but do we know FEAR?
The true fear within us?
Most human beings don't get to see that kind of fear at all.
We subconsciously avoid it at all cost.
We don't put ourselves in any place that might or will see that fear.
That’s our self-defence mechanism coming to our rescue.

But still, even under those circumstances, some of us still push the envelope and want to feel our mortality.
The people who indulge in x-treme sports for instance.
The people who like to walk the edge of what most of us perceive as danger.
The phycologist says that it’s an addiction to adrenaline, the need to feed on the rush of knowing that any mistake can mean death.
But is that the whole truth?
There are those who belief that its a screw up in the genes somewhere that these people can't feel life unless its being threatened.
Its more than just adrenaline rush, but the actual need to face death in order to know that they are alive.
Does this mean that they know true fear?

Not really, its merely another variation of our garden variety fear.
A shadow of it, if you will.
You have not faced true fear until you have it in your face.
Where your brain just refuse to acknowledge that truth and it threatens to overwhelm everything that you have to protect yourself from it.
You know the kind you see in horror shows where a person is just frozen in their tracks and all their excrement utilities loose control?
True fear is the kind of horror that will warp our mind and break the very beams that hold our sanity together.

Most people go insane after they face that kind of fear.
Either that or they wake up different from who they were before.
It’s hard to still be who we were after facing that nature of fear and live through it.
And that’s the kind of thing that happens when we see death.

Knowing about death or seeing a corpse, merely allows us to academically identify the science behind it.
But when you see the flame of life being extinguish right in front of your eyes it is very much different from reading about it.
And if you are the cause of that result, the horror is ten times more intense than seeing the vanquishing of life.

That’s why soldiers and law enforcements officers who have used their guns are never the same after.
Their actions haunt them forever.
And they do it everyday.

In conclusion to this article, my point being this.
People believe themselves to be brave and strong, when in reality our steely insides are seldom pitted against the horror that bankrupts our synaptic pathways.
And we continue to believe that everything is honky dory regardless of the mayhem that is happening around us.
Call me a cynic but that’s as much a coward as it comes.
So am I a coward?
I am not sure. I know what’s happening around me and it scares the shit out of me.
Am I facing up with my fears? Sometimes, but only if I can't avoid it.
I don't see any particular reason why I need to put myself in front of an oncoming train if I can avoid it.
Do you?
That being said, I keep finding myself in front of oncoming trains.
Does that make me an idiot instead?

Before and after ...

Woke up with a stiff neck and felt like a grumpy old man.
Age catches up with us whether we are prepared for it or not.
Counting on the chrono-meter, I am not considered any where near old in the modern world we live in.
I am not even eligible to be nominated as a presidential candidate in the US.
But back in the olden days of peons and eating scrubs for vitamins, I would have been an elder and parent to a dozen children or more.
The kind of weights that will kill us "civilized" mortals today.

So why do we constantly say that we are more stressed out today then our forefathers before?
They have their own share of "things to worry" and "things that will kill you if you are slow".
Why are they not suffering from mental breakdowns or spats of "Kill everything in sight" urges?
Are we not decedents of these strong people?
Do we not carry their genes? Or at least some of their traits?

Why are we so much weaker compared to them?

Some socialist today believes that it’s due to our "clean living".
Back in those days, everyday is a constant threat or a strive for survival in the purest sense.
If they were not vigilant, the whole clan, line and family will just vanish from the face of the earth.
It’s that brutal.
Hide behind that rock if you want to, but that’s a fact that no one can deny.
Our ancestors were made of much stronger stuff than us.

Today, whenever we hit an obstacle we bulk.
Then we threaten.
Lastly we run.
We don't have the staying power to finish what we started no matter where it lands us.
To those who are pragmatic (like me) that’s called a strategical retreat.
To the less "bullshit" crowd that running with your tails between your legs.
Who is right?
Depends on the outcome of the retreat.
If we live to fight another day, then that’s good.
But if we only run and hide and pray that the "bad things" go away and leave us alone, that’s a whole different level of burying our heads in the rubbles.

The thing is, most of us will run when we hit an obstacle.
Same as our ancestors would to.
But they run because it’s strategically sound.
We run because we are just plain yellow.

I am stepping a lot of toes here, when I say this.
But they don't hear the part when I say "we", that includes me too.

Office work has become so stressful that my migraine seems to have taken a permanent resident within my cerebrum.
My instincts are telling me to drop the whole load of crap and move on to another pasture.
My morale meter says that it’s totally within my acceptable range of actions as I have already given all that I can to address the matters that are floating up.
My heart says that life is more than just solving problems; sometimes we need to understand and accept that there are things beyond our control.
So why the hell do I feel like I am running away from a fight that everyone tells me is lost before it is even fought?
Why does my brain insists that if I run, I will be running forever?

I want to run.
But my legs won't listen to me.
It refuses to bulk because its against its meaning for existence.
Same goes for my mind and body.

So here I am lock in the trench and fighting a war that no one believes is achievable.
All because my brain is too stubborn to listen to common sense.
Argh.

Dutiful partner ...

There was an article recently that focus on teen pregnancy.
Apparently those teens are now not protecting themselves from the consequences of random copulation.
More and more young adults are finding it too complex to just do and dump.
Condoms are not really very "sensual" for man when they are humping.
At least that’s the only reason that I can come up with for these kinds of behaviours.

Do I use rubber when I do it prior to me changing my marital status?

Strangely I don't usually.
I can actually count the number of time I use condoms for every sex partner I had.
Does that mean I am irresponsible?
Maybe. But I also know that I have a very strong sense of self-control.

I believe that I read it in a woman mag somewhere that true sex happen in the mind before it happens in the body.
That notion kinda got stuck within my normal processing script.
So I basically have my orgasm in my brain before I even come near to ejaculation.
And maybe because of that, I always manage to drag the whole process from 15 minutes to 1+ hour or more depending on my counterpart’s prowess.
Officially I have clocked a stunning 4+ hour session but that was when I was 28.
For me the norm is currently 1+ hour before I even choose to ejaculate.

Yes, I choose when I want to ejaculate. It’s not a typo.

Its impossible some of my friends told me.
When you are in the heat of it.
When the sweats are mangles into a concoction of sexual aroma.
When the muscles are so strained that anything can blow the cap off.
There is NO WAY anyone can control their ejaculation.
If the geyser wants to blow, it gonna blow regardless of how much mental control you put on it.
That’s what they all say.

But I shit you not when I say you can control it.
Because I can.
It’s of course not a switch that you can just flip and, walah, instant ejaculation.
It’s a kind of mental control one can acquire with discipline and lots of training.

This is a personal blog so I am not going to go through the "training materials" with you here.
But suffix to say, it’s not impossible.
The brain will associate control over everything within our body as long as we train ourselves to do it.

I keep telling my friends that there is sex and there is SEX, with a capital S.

Grunts and humps are all good and fun.

But true climax is something that not everyone has ever experience.
And once you have, you can't and won't accept any of the pale imitations that come after it.
Please don't associate the duration of sexual intercourse to the "quality" of it.
That’s not what I am implying.
I am trying to say is, that ejaculation is NOT the height of sex.
It is merely a part of it.
The only reason why I did the 4 hour stint was because it was intimate and beautiful.
It is about reaching another level of consciousness with two souls instead of one.

Teenagers just want to get it off.
They want to try something forbidden.
They struggle for control of their growth.
And men just can't say no to a pair of breast.
So they had intercourse and the girl gets an extra tenant for the next 9 months in her body.
It’s a shame that the girl might be scarred forever because of it and might not really know how beautiful it is to make love.
But then again, what do I know, the lord works in mysterious ways all the time.

Choices ...

Have you ever been the receiving end of phrases like these?

"Your not my cup of coffee/tea/other unknown beverages?"
"I see you like my brother/sister/cousin/long lost relative?"
"Its me/my father/my mother/my brother, not you?"

You get the picture...

Well here is the thing I tell my wife when she gave me something similar a long time ago.
"Well tough, because you are my cup of everything. And I am not giving up unless you tell me that you don't ever want to see me again."

Being nice, really tend to leave you at the end of the curve and further on.
If you really want something you need to grab it.
And unless they put up a good fight to kick you away, well, you hang on like your life depended on it.

Does that mean my wife did not like me then?
The answer is that she did not know.
All she knew that it was hard and difficult and might end up being hurt at the end.
So she did the first thing that came to mind.
She ran.
As do most people around us do.

No. I am not saying that we should stick around even after make their intentions known.
What I am saying that we should never give up until all hopes is extinguish.
She needs to say something like this to get me to stop.
"I don't see us being a couple ever in this life time."
Or
"I was being nice just now. F**K OFF."
Which will clearly without a doubt state their intentions without leaving any hope what so ever and I can pursue another path for happiness.

Does my wife regret declining me during my first attempt?
Nope, because its part of the whole ritual.
If I have given up so easily, I would be in a very different world right now.

Did my wife change her ways since then?
Nope.
She is still very indecisive.
But instead of running, she asked me what I think.
My normal answer to her queries would be.
"If we don't try it, we won't know."

And this goes on every single day.
Some might say that she is dependent on me.
But I see it differently.
Little by little, she will try new things so that she gets a better understanding on what’s workable and what’s not.
Life is mostly about trial and errors.
Some trials are done by others and we learn from them.
Some trials are done by us and we learn from ourselves.

So when you are in doubt and you don't know what to do.
Ask yourself this.
"What would izchan do?"
Strange as it might seem, you tend to get the answer you need and obtain the result you require.



And for RM29.90 you get the same advice in Carrefour.

What do you see?

A lot of us have things that we want or desire.
Some wants money.
Some wants fame.
But ultimately they want to be happy.

The problem with wanting to be happy is that it differs from each individual.
Even though they sometimes look and feel the same among them but its different.
The concept of happiness is something that has eluded the sages of time memorial.
So what is this illusive being we call "happiness".

As I am mortal thus I succumb to the same urges.
But for the past few months, I have come to understand something about what I need.
Instead of just what I want.
My mind has been wandering around like a drunken monkey.
Falling over stones and slipping on ice.
And once a while I manage to see what hidden behind the veil.

Does it sound familiar?
Is it conjuring images into your mind?
Everytime I get near to it, I see the images of the Matrix.
The green tints and constant binaries running all round.
Then I close my eyes only to find everything back to normal again when I open them.

No, I am not implying that we are living in a virtual world hooked up to a big machine living our lives a batteries to a huge machine.
Nor am I implying that what we know as truth is nothing but illusions to pacify our inner struggles.

I am talking about truth behind truths.

I had began a journey to seek peace.

Not "peace" as in "No more War".
But peace defined commonly as tranquillity.
Like the quiet ponds.
Or the morning mist.
The gentle breeze.

My soul is seeking that inner place within me.
The centre.
So that I can feel in tune with everything.

I am sorry to say that it does not mean I moved into a realm of painless existence.
That’s not the point of tranquillity anyway.
To me tranquillity is the ability to feel the pain and not be driven by it.
Tranquillity is the soft hum at the back of the main chorus.

I do apologize if I am confusing.
But I can't seem to word it any other way.
Oh-Nine is going to be different I hope.
For you and me.
The path is clear.
And yet its not.
How zen-ish, eh?