What if ...

If you were Clark Kent and your love of life is in love with superman, what would you do?
I mean, he is the man of steel.
The son of krypton.
The man of the year every single day.
While you are just a country bumpkin from smallville.
There is no way you can win that fight, can you?

Yes, we know that they are both the same person but if you really think about it, they are not.
The persona superman and that of Kent are 2 very distinct individuals.
You can say there might be related but twice removed from the mother’s side.

Why do I say so?
Superman's character is that of an out going hero but an alien to the people he protects.
Kent on the other hand is a soft spoken giant with a brotherly demeanor from the rural counties.
One is actively sought when trouble brews but pushed away when it comes to the definition of "We" and "Us".
Kent is the person you go to when you need a shoulder and/or a caring hand.
One is formed on respect and fear.
The other is based on love and care.
If I were that individual I would rather spend more time as Kent than Supes.

The ladies will forever love the power and justice that Superman portrays.
But at the end they will marry the soft gentle man that will stand in front of an incoming train that he could not stop but insist on doing to protect the one he loves.
At least that’s what I hope the girls will do.
My wife chose me didn't she?

Good guy ... Bad guy ...

I am sick and tired of none deliverables.
And I am very much angry at being blamed for being the caused.
Yes, pride is taking a hold on me now.
And I am not even trying to keep the anger shut up inside.
I want it to burn.
To push away all the obstacles inside of me from doing what I believe to be required.

Again, my coworkers’ words come haunting me.
"Stop trying to be the good guy. No one remembers it anyway."
I told her that I wasn't trying to be one.
I just do what needs to be done.
But she was not entirely wrong.
I do try to be the good guy for as long as I can THEN only I do what needs to be done.

I am tired of always being the guy that people hates for doing the right thing.
Have lived with that kind of bullshit for so long that I chose to let them rot in hell.
Sure the "nice guy" is always fun to be with.
Sure the "nice guy" is cool.
But when the shit hits the fan?
He is the only one holding the umbrella where the rest of us are task to clean up the mess.
Sure, I am above that kind of petty grudge.
I am better than those self absorbed idiots.
But for once I will like to dunk their stupid grins into the toilet bowl and flush it.

I know I can't do that in real life.
So I do the next best thing.
I pull away the umbrella and we all get dunk with shit.

You see people like those always get away with being dirty because they believe that people like me will always save their ass.
They think that we will always do the right thing and not let shit happen.
They believe that we won't ever let shit get onto to our clean white shoes.
Well they are wrong.
I do not operate that way.
I don't mind going down in flames.
As long as I drag them along with me while I am doing it.

Why?
Don't other innocents get hurt in the process?
Doesn't the good guy instruction book say that we must save them all regardless?

Yes it does.
But it does not say how we do it, only that we save the day at the end of the whole mess.
So I am doing it my own way.
Bringing them down with me makes things very clear for those who REALLY want things to work.
Not just saving people from the CURRENT mess, but to save them from the future mess as well.
Sometimes it takes a lot of destruction to happen before the real building can ever start.
By saying that we won't let people get hurt will only make things worst.

So yeah.
I am going nova soon.
And people are going to get hurt.
But when it’s done.
And the dust settles.
Those that are truly strong and really want to make a difference will stay.
With those hands we will build again.
Maybe this time, we might even get it right.

In the eyes of the beholder ...

I have this unusual habit of looking at people.
I stare.
That’s why sometimes my wife and friends says that it makes me seem like a voyeur.

I pay so much attention at the subject that my face has this expression that no words can really describe.
Like as if I am in a trance.
All my senses are tune into one single task.

To observe.
To understand.
To become one.

It’s the way that I am.
I put everything that I am into the interest.
Hold holding back.
It seems to be the only way I know how to operate.

Of course those closest to me will try to refrain me from making a fool of myself whenever possible.
But it’s not as easy because I can suddenly go into "observation mode" as and when anything interesting comes in range.
Compared to what I was ten years ago, I am considered to be very much rehabilitated.
Yet, I can easily relapse into it if I am not careful.

So why do I do it?
Nothing special really.
I am just naturally curious.
Interesting things catches my attention and I want to know how they work.

It’s like how I type in front of a computer.
I don't type.
I dance on it.

To me that is the only way I know how to use it.
Maybe it’s due to the years of piano practice but I don't feel comfortable if I type with my hands on the table.
The hands have to float on top of the keys.
Just like playing the piano.
My teacher has ingrained in me that in order to flow through to the music, my hands must be able to flow through the keys.

So the same concept applies to typing on a computer.
In order to flow through my thoughts, my hands need to be able to flow through the keyboard.
I don't think about where the keys are, they are just there and I use it as it is.
If you ask me where is the "K" key in reference of the "Q" key, I would not know how to answer you.
But when I type, my fingers will find what it needs and words appear on the monitor.

My best friend says that its just habit and that I can change it if I wanted to.
I agree with him somewhat.
I do believe that I can change it if I really wanted to.
But I don't think I want to.
There is nothing wrong with it.
So I like to observe people.
What’s wrong with that?
Other than it creepy and people tend to react negatively to me.
There is no harm.

Come to think of it, as I type this with my dancing fingers I finally figured out why I do what I do.
I am looking at the flow of life whenever I look at people or any living thing.
I am observing their life flow.
It’s like a song that I can hear when I pay enough attention.
A song of the living.

Each different.
Each special.
Each so beautiful.



Note:
Just to clear things up a bit.
I did not misspell "haeven", this was how I saw it in my dream.
So thats how I drew it down.

Honor bound ...

My boss is now somewhere in the UK doing presentations and he is counting on me to give him something to present about.

Of course he could bull his way through but this time he wanted something more solid to present to the clients.

I promised him I will give him what he needed but my promises have fell short.

I can't give him anything that he can use and his all alone in the firing range.

Failed again.

I am not sure why my employer wants to keep me around with so many failures being tied to my tail recently.

Nothing works.

All my projects have gone to the sunders and I am still thick faced enough to stay on.

Should have performed seppuku by now.

Yet again, my cowardice to face the pain keeps me alive still.

Yoda :: 52151 - Me :: 0

4 years when I started writing on this, I wrote pages and pages of words.
Consistently for almost every single day.
But as time passed, the amount of posting and the length of each post have dwindled.
Now, I might post no more than 2 postings a week and only with simple sentences or just a few words.

I might venture to say that I might have run out of things to post.
But in reality that won't be exactly true.
The issue most probably is me having run out of ways to say them.

I try to be as creative as I can when I do these kinds of exercises.
It’s a way for me to ignite both sides of my brain in both creative and logical thinking.
Yet that now seems to be harder to pull off.

I know you guys don't really mind how I write.
Bully basically enjoys my ramblings just fine the way it is now.
But it’s a personal standard that I want to maintain.
I would like to keep things interesting.

Like the way my Idol does it in his place.
Though he too have slowed down considerably.
With his new job and a new town.
He has his hands full.

I opt to stay put and concentrate more on something I already know how to do but to do it better.
Not working as well as I planned.
My mind is resisting my decision to push it further.
It keeps finding ways to detour me from actually finishing it.
Or is it my inner voice that is trying to tell me something.

But as I said in my 12 day post, something came back to me after being missing so long.
My passion to excel.
My motivation to push things further.
My ego to tell people to shove it.

That "boom" factor that I never knew I lost until it came crashing back into my face.

So now, I am picking up the pieces.
I had been trying to pick them up since a year back.
Now I am going to stop trying and just pick up where I left of.

Yoda's teaching rings true again.
"Do or Do not. There is no try."
There.
He wins again.

9 Days later ...

Am in my mid thirties and I feel like I am at my late sixties.
As if everything is blurry and nothing comes to focus.
The fire is not roaring any more.
And most days it seems as if it’s fighting to keep from being snuffed out all together.

Yes people, that’s what it feels like when you get "Male Menopause".

This is a follow-up for the 12 days post.

Thanks for all the well wishes and caring hugs.

I do so appreciate it.

Have been talking to the wife about this during my beach side vacation last weekend.
Was hoping to find some peace within myself and if possible rekindle the fire.

What I got was something else that I did not expect.

I love my wife a lot.
And I have always wanted to believe my wife loves me back as much.
But she has never told me so.
Ever.
She does love me that I know.
But how much?
I could never tell.

That is until last Sunday.

Am not going to go into details but she gave me something that I had wished for in a long time.
An answer to a nagging self-doubt.

So yeah.
Let's see if I can make the fire burn brightly again soon.

12 days ...

It’s been 12 days since I last posted here.
A lot can happen in 12 days.

A person can suddenly realize that the world is not as blue as they thought.
A mother can suddenly find that she does not understand her children.
A dog might grasp the concept that its does not have a master any more.

Yes.

A lot can happen in 12 days.

Don't worry, nothing happened to me.
Not physically anyway.

Mentally, I think I am still sane.

Yet something did happen.

I found a piece of myself.

It was stuck somewhere and got lost from the main body.

Time passed.

It kept seeking a way back to me.

And now it has.

Though it is part of me still, it felt foreign at the same time.

It’s been so long.

So very long.