Lets go steal a Parker ...

Leverage is back and its awesome.

The team dynamics is better than it had been in previous seasons.

The black king still has the pull that Grisham has in CSI.

Without him, it just wouldn't have worked.

Yeah.

Sometimes the bad guys makes the best TV.

Can you tell that I am a fanboy?

Play me ... I'm yours

Just read this on google news.

I play the piano.
And I have performed live on stage while I was younger.
But ask me to play ad-hoc in a public area?
I lack the guts to do it.

A matter of confidence you say?
Maybe.
But personally I believe that to be the real me.
A person who is very much afraid of doing the wrong thing.

Playing the piano in public is not wrong.
Making very bad music to me personally is.
And I don't believe that I do music any credit when I play in public.
I can't remember my Bach's, Mozart's or Schubert's entirely.
More often than not, I make up sounds along the way for the parts that I can't remember but feels right.
My piano teacher always had a problem with me on that particular subject.

So though I like to play the piano.
I believe that I am a discredit to its medium if I were to publicly contaminate it in an auditorium or even a street corner.

I hide in the dark when I know no one is listening to play out that sound that I hear in my heart.
Its nothing fancy.
Its no Fifth symphony of Schubert's.
But its mine.

So yeah.
This is a part of the real me.
A silent pianist that loves music but does not believe that it should ever be known.
Not the loud egoistic maniac that bulldozers his way though obstacles just so that he can reach the other side of what is ultimately his dream.

Thank you for listening.

Hold it right ... or left.

But not both sides.

Thats the way you should hold your new iPhone4 if you can't get any reception.

Or you can go and get a brand new Droid X which actually works like a phones is suppose to be instead of a phone that cannot be gripped normally.

:) ... I am sorry but I just had to post this.

Its bloody funny when something so stupid can happen to a brand like Apple.
I mean its bloody Steve "My Way" Jobs.
This kind of thing can happen to Microsoft.
It can happen to IBM.
To people like Adobe.
Even Motorola.

But Apple?

The guys that make cool stuff even cooler?
The guys that makes no bloody mistakes because they take the time to do it right?
The guys that says that Flash causes their system to be "unusable"?

Ok ... :)

I need to stop laughing.
But it just so damn funny.

I wonder if they would now bundle the iPhone4 with a rubber casing without extra cost?

Imagirio Maximagus ...

A friend of mine told me that his child basically do whatever that he wants.
Let me give you an example.

One fine day while in his pre-school class he suddenly shouted.

"NO!!!! Not like that!!!!"

Stunned by his sudden outburst, the teacher asked him what was the matter.

"You should not draw a circle. I don't want to look at a circle. Draw only triangles. Nothing else"

He went on that tantrum for over an hour before he ended his tirade.

Why did he stop?

Because the circle was cleaned away for the next class session.

So he got what he wanted and the world was as it should be.

This is just one of the many stories that revolve around the same theme.
When the father told these stories to me, he was telling it like a joke and laughter ensued of course.

But when I started to think deeply on the matter, I told the father this.
"I am not sure if the child having so much of personal opinion is good or bad."

And that’s the truth; I seriously can't say whether it’s a pro or a con.

We encourage our children to be independent.
To know who they are and to think for themselves.
But when they over do the "I am myself" card, it just seem as if the child is just too stubborn to learn and instead is just being a jerk.

If an adult were to behave like that, we would have put the person in place and "advised" him to stay the hell away from our visual vicinity.

Yet why do we train our own children to be exactly like so?

The father said to me that he did not want the child to be afraid of exploring new things both mentally and physically.
Being told to "Don't be this" and "Don't do that" might stifle the child’s curiosity.
Punishing the child for wanting to know more could eventually kill off the child's urge to learn all together.

The words sound correct.
The principles look proper.
But why does it stink like a rotting corpse?

Something just doesn’t seem right.
And I can't put my fingers on it.

I believe that a child should be encouraged to learn.
But I also believe that a child should know when to listen in order to learn.
Allowing a child so much leeway just seems like pampering instead of educating.

I don't remember ever loosing my urge to venture into new places and new things while I was young.
And I am very sure that my mom has a very tight leash on me then.
Discipline is a key subject taught to me among the other lessons of moral, science and art.
I understand the line of command very well.
Mother, Father and other adults, in exactly that order is how my universe was structured.

Mother trumps everyone.

That is why I pay extra attention when mother teaches me things.
But I am very sure that though mother kept me very near, I have always manage to go into every nook and cranny within my grasp.
Having a healthy imagination, I build stuffs using my Lego sets and draw on the notebooks that was given to me as gifts.
I am who I am today most probably because of these lessons from mother.

Does a discipline hand really stops a child from gaining a healthy learning attitude?
I don't think so.
Just look at me now.
Do I seem like a person who is afraid of change and new things?
Am I a person who sticks to only the things I know and nothing else?

So why do the parents today think otherwise?
Why do they assume that a child must be taught only with bribes and false assurance of their ability?
To think that a child is so fragile that they can't cope with the truth is very egoistic of us.

My memory of being that young is vague.
But I do know that love and discipline is not mutually exclusive.

If we love our children, we should want to prepare them to be able to handle the world as it really is and not an illusion where they will always get what they want.

Most often than not, we do exactly the opposite.
We want to protect them from harm and pain, so much so as to create a world that is so out of touch from reality that when they do go out and live among the living, they get the shock of their life and end up jumping off high rise building because they could not handle the stress and rejections.

Maybe I am just over thinking again.
Maybe it would be all right no matter what we do.

Yeah.
Maybe.

The road to recovery ...

That path chosen and the time taken to walk it differ from person to person.
Some can do it in a blink of an eye.
Some take the time needed to brew a pot of tea.
To some others ... it’s a life time.

For myself, I think it’s a marriage of eternity and never.

A long time ago (I think I was 12) I made a decision that I will not walk the path that my friends had chosen.
I chose to go and do my own stuff and live a life among strangers.
At least that was the rationale I had when I registered myself into a private school.

There I had no friends.
I was the poorest among the whole class and the lowest in the political hierarchy.
My existence would not even be noted if it wasn't for the class cleaning roster.
So I understand the feelings of those that think they are invisible to the world.

A nobody.

That was my life for a short period of time.

Until I made a name for myself by being the idiot that tried to get the attention of the prettiest girl in class.
Then I was known as the class joke.

My studies suffered due to that.
And I was re-shuffled into the lower echelons of the academic reign the following year.
Thus I disappeared again into the folds of mediocrity.

With no more distractions, I started to build myself up from the emptiness that was me.
A slow climb towards what will eventually define who I am and what I am.

For one whole year, I sat at the back of the class.
Silent.
Listening.
Looking.
Learning.
Understanding.

Eventually it became the basis of all my future endeavor.

Of course when I started getting better grades, people started to notice me again.
They no longer remember the ridicule that they plastered on me only a year ago.
I was suddenly seen in a new light.
The guy that had the answer.
The go to person.

For a short period, it felt good to be somebody.
Then I started to realize that something was wrong.
I felt sick.

The feeling of emptiness was worst than before when I was still a nobody.
I had a sense of being while I was lurking in darkness.
I knew what I had to do.
There was a focus point.
A meaning to it all.

Hence I learned another lesson.
I leaned that I had a center to my world.
My center of gravity.

Years would pass where I would revise the definition of it again and again ... and again.
It would shift and grow or shrink.
Encompassing more relevant parts of life and its nature.

The world continues as it always will.
As for me?
I would be me as I always am.

Silent.
Listening.
Looking.
Learning.
Understanding.

Happy.

Crapola Carbonara ....

Like izso say.
"izchan is being annoyingly depressed"

And should get his ass kicked.

I totally agree.

Depression really does not suit me very well.
Its unbecoming of my character and style.

Yet, it does happen to the best of us.
Let lone little old me.

It seems to be periodical.
Every few years or so.
Where even the smallest little mole hill seem like a mountain.

Knowing about the condition does not help relieve it at all.
Merely that I should bite down and hunker through it.
I don't think its age related.
But I do believe that its associated to the chronological-sphere.

So yeah.
I am trying to get back into character.
Apologize if it irritates your sense of zen-fical-posh.
But like our wives (or female superiors) that go through PMS, there is really nothing more that we can do other than face the fallout the best that we can without being burned too badly.

So thank you for putting up with my shit.
I will try not to crap up your days too badly.

My Feet ...

While walking I tend to look down at my feet these days.

"Shouldn't that be a common thing to do? Looking at where your going?"

But in reality thats not what I use to do.

I pay attention to the surroundings that I am traveling in.
I know where my foot is landing.
I see what obstacles that is in front of me.

That was before.

Now I only see where my foot is landing.

Is this what happens to age?
Maybe thats why my elders always seem so jaded.

I remember once upon a time that I use to accuse them of finding excuses to not live their life properly.

And now, I seem to be walking into the same path.

No, its not mid-life crisis.
Nope, its the migraine killing my rationale thoughts.

I believe this is one of the reason why my head is pounding.

Too many things not done.
Too many dreams pushed a side.

If I put my life on a platter.
It would be sparse and moldy.
Even the desserts would taste stale.

The mind is reminding me my role.
Its doing it in the most irritable way it knows.
And it seems to be working.

Its no longer enough to have one foot in front of the other.
Not for me anyway.

Now it becomes clearer ...

So the main topic about my life these days is about the pain at the back of my skull.

Pain killers seem to have an effect but not much.
It persist to interfere with my daily life.

As some have suggested, sex is a good remedy for this kind of situation.
I concur as I have used that approach in the past and have positive results from it.
Yet its unfortunate that I am unable to procure that particular solution as my only source of sexual life is currently going through the monthly "cycle of hell".

So it has come to the point that I have to face the facts.

Fact one:
Head pain no good for dateline delivery.

Fact two:
No one in the office cares if your having a bell tower between your ears.

Fact three:
Pain killers only work when it suits the planets alignment.

Fact four:
I have a high pain tolerance.

With all the facts put together, I have come to a conclusion.
With great pain comes great understanding.

God help the bastards that stands in my way when I am delivering my datelines while I am having a migraine attack.

Amen.

Side Note:
Spain lost to the Kiwi's.
There is a pattern here ... somewhere.
I just can't see it yet.

Or else ...

Constant datelines have given me a reason to take pain killers.

The migraine attack that has been shadowing me throughout the last few weeks have taken its toll on my nerves.

Without pain killers I had trouble sleeping which makes the pain even worst with the lack of proper rest.

So my love said to me, "if you don't take the pain killers, your never having sex ever again."

That put things in perspective.
So down went the blue pills.

Its just Synflex dammit.

Much ado about man

:: Much ado about man ::

It aint easy being me
or being her
or being alive
a little bit of patience
a little more of truth
and things starts to shimmer
between light and sooth
I sometimes wonder
why is it we persist
that we are civilized
when all indication says otherwise
Just because we can write poetry
and we can enjoy the sunset
merely means we are beings that pay more attention to fickle notions
than actual real world needs
is it any surprise that we rule the earth to extintion?

Its been a long time since I penned anything here.
I thought I will try my brain a bit.
Though with the migraine is still hitting on all the nerves, I might sound like a lunatic.

When they start talking ...

A bell tower is currently ringing between my ears.

Have been getting this very often for the past few weeks.

Usually it last around 10 - 15 minutes and it will subside.

But this time, it persisted throughout the night and into the morning.

Migraine attacks are something that is not foreign to me.

My mom has it.
My sister has it.
Most of my senior managers have it.

And it seems to have something to do with using your brain too much.
Or maybe we have a very acute perception of the world that is translated into this severe decapitating pain that threatens to overwhelm all the senses.

Its almost like a self defensive short circuit process that happens whenever one tries to apply oneself too much and the mind reminds them of who is really in charge.

I am getting old.
Its trying to nail that notion into my accepted reality.
I can't keep pushing myself to the limit just because I used to be able to.
If I don't heed its warning, its going to do more than just give me a knock on the head.
It will systematically shut down all the vital processes until I get the message.

So yeah.
I got you brain.
I hear your advice.
And I heed it (most of the time).

Let me finish this and I promise to cut down on my sugar and stress intake.
Scouts honor and all that.
Pretty please with a cherry on top.

iWant ....

The iPhone 4 is coming to town.

Its suppose to be the next best thing compared to toast.
That is if you like toast.
I much prefer garlic bread.
Some argue that garlic bread is another kind of toast, thus the same entity.

I will just have to leave it to the professionals to sort it out.

Had an urge to go and buy an iPad when it first came out.
But that lasted for 5 minutes before I realized I did not know what to do with it.
Then I had the urge to get the newest Android phone on the market and I realized that I don't really have a use for it.

It seems to be a pattern in my life now.
Urges and then no longer urging.
The question that stops the ultimate orgasmic decision is always the same.
"Do you need it?"

If the answer is yes than go for your life.

But more often than not, I always end up with "no" and the story ends there.

Maybe thats why I am so ungainly when it comes to doing the right thing.

I persist on it so much that people often perceive me as arrogant and a jerk.

Which I am more than happy to agree.

Because I am arrogant and a jerk when I want things my way.

But who doesn't behave like that?

If you really know what you want and how you want it, should you take the 2nd best and let it slide?

Its your life.
Your decision.
If you keep letting yourself be pushed aside from what you really want, then what is there to live for?

I am okay with people being angry at me.
I am fine with being told that I am not welcomed.
Just as long as I do what I believe to be right.
Because at the end of the day, I have to answer to myself when I am alone in that dark place where the voices starts barraging you about what and how I live.

The decisions and the choices will plague me for the rest of my life.
Not yours.
Not theirs.
Mine.

So I am sorry to hear that you don't like it when I don't agree with you.
But thats your problem to solve.
Not mine.
Convince me otherwise.
Make me listen to what you want.
If you can do that.
Then we don't have a problem anymore.
And if I wanted you to listen to me, I will do the same thing.

So there.
Go get your iPhone 4 come July.
Buy your iPad and make your neighbors envy you.
Or you can do what I do.
"I what?" and move away smiling, knowing that you just did what you think is right.

Change ... again.

One of the more consistent thing that you will read from my blog is that I am always articulating about change.

Or the need for it.

Then I noticed that sometime ago, I stopped talking about it.

Does it mean that I no longer need change?
Or that I am sick of changing?
The comfort of a secure permanent approach to things lulls the heart of the weary.

Yet, my mind and heart does not agree on the matter.

Dreams upon dreams have plague my sleep.
Most of them are like TV series that goes on from one perspective to another with persistent themes like, "What do you want?" or "Why do you persist on this foolish path?"

I could say that its my subconscious yelling out at me to stop avoiding the hard question.
But is it really so?

Work has been pestering me so much that I had no time to focus on my other tasks. Something that I am becoming rather passionate about.

And it always come down to the same question.
"What are you going to do about it?"

I used to be able to just say "Just make it happen."
But lately my mojo seem to be lacking its usual "ooommph"
It seems to be becoming a permanent reason these days.

Too tired.
No focus.

This need to change.
And I will just have to push all the excuses away and make it happen.
Its not something that I should delay anymore.
The consequences will be far harder to resolve.

Fact 20100602-A

The higher you rise, the more you notice that the view is just as shitty as it is below.